This started for me one Spring day while Mila (my wife) and I were folding laundry. She was taking a break, checking her email, and mentioned that somebody had sent a mass email to the symphony. It seemed that somebody in the symphony needed a kidney.
(Mila plays piccolo and flute in the Folsom Lake Symphony. If you've never heard them, and you're in the area, do yourself a favor and go. They're the real deal.)
I thought briefly about this...no more than a few minutes...then did a little googling about kidney surgery. After a short browse through the internet, I concluded that , as far as we can tell medically, donating a kidney is not that big a deal for the donor. Medically speaking. It's a major surgery, but one that you recover from fairly easily, and don't really have long-term side effects from.
So I volunteered. I did a bit of texting with Lori, the point of contact, who turned out to be the recipient's girlfriend. I called her and Trent--the recipient--later that night. Trent played the drums in the symphony...I knew who he was then because I remembered him playing the theme from Hawaii Five-0. He was a husky man, I'd guess in his late fifties, with wild white hair and a mischievous grin. I was surprised when we spoke at how bookish he sounded...so I wasn't overly surprised later when I learned that he was a music teacher, same as Mila. I learned he had two sons...one in high-school, Lou, a star golfer, and another an adult, Casey, about to be married that Fall.
Trent and Lori were ridiculously grateful that I would volunteer to do this thing. I suppose, if the tables were turned, I would be as well. I told Trent that I would keep him and Lori updated on the progress with our donation center. And that I'd do my best to push for the earliest surgery date possible--this was my top priority. son's wedding would be out of the country, and we wanted Trent fully recovered and off dialysis, so we were trying to get the surgery done in a few months or so. I was excited; it was great that I would be able to do something so easy for me, but so beneficial for somebody else. And I was excited that Trent was going to be able to enjoy all of the good things coming to him in life--his girlfriend, his son's wedding, his other son's transition from child to adult.
Getting qualified for kidney donation is not fast. I suppose it shouldn't be...having donors die or donated kidneys get rejected would be extremely damaging to the donation program, so the medical experts are extremely cautious, and they have to check everything. They checked my health. They checked on my mental health. They checked to make sure that I had a plan for care after surgery, and that my finances would be ok. They checked that my kidneys were healthy, and provided dietary advice....they checked everything.
And, while they were checking, Trent died.
I don't blame our donation center. What they were doing was very reasonable, and we progressed really without delay. But these things take time....months. I'm not sure the time could have been reduced....and anyway, I think that when you're on dialysis, you're living on borrowed time. We had no warning that Trent was going to go.
Lori called me. She was in tears, obviously. She found out because Trent normally texted her to say goodnight, but that night he didn't. The next day she found out that he had passed. There weren't any clear red flags or indications that Trent was running out of time...but he did run out of time. Trent died before the surgery could be scheduled. The happy man, so joyous and grateful that he was going to have freedom from dialysis finally....he died before I could help him.
And the sad fact is that this story happens over and over and over and over and over and over and over. It happens every single day. It happens without us ever noticing, I think because most of these people don't have a Lori to advocate for them....maybe they don't have a symphony who loves them....maybe they would rather die than ask and ask and ask and ask and ask until they can find somebody who is willing to give an organ to make their life infinitely better for twenty years or so.
It would be hard for me to ask. I don't know that I would do it.
In any case, I decided that I would proceed. Because the reality is that somebody else needs my kidney, and if it wasn't Trent, it would be somebody else. And I can't save everyone...I just have the one kidney to give...but I can save one person. I can give one person a new lease on life. I can make one person's life better...much, much better....by doing this one small thing. Two days in a hospital, two weeks in a bed, another month for full recovery....then take good care of my body for the rest of my life (which I wanted to do anyway actually).
I'm so sorry that Trent died. I wish he hadn't....I wish I had been able to give him my kidney. Because his loved ones miss him, and always will. Their time was cut short. I personally believe that Trent lives on....I believe we all do....but in any case, I am quite certain that currently, Trent is not upset about his death. He's either truly gone....which I highly doubt based on the evidence but that is another post, and one perhaps that doesn't belong on this site....or he's crossed over and has a broader perspective. But those who loved him won't get to see him anymore, and his students won't benefit from his wisdom anymore. And he'll never play drums for the Folsom Lake Symphony again. The party is over. Mr. Teague has left the building.
But his loss will be somebody else's gain. Somebody just as unique and beautiful as Trent Teague will receive my kidney, and that person will get the best treatment that our current medical technology can provide. I wish it were Trent, but I don't think it was ever in the cards. We just didn't have the time.
To Trent, I would say I'm sorry. I'm sorry our plan didn't work. I'm sorry there wasn't time. It's not fair....you deserved to live as long and as full of a life as our current technology could provide you. But evidently we ran out of time. I'm sorry.
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